Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Pent-up dreams

Aaja saanjh hui,
Mujhe teri fikar,
Dhundhla gayi
dekh meri nazar,
Aaja na...

There was nothing better to do all evening, so I was all set to go out by myself and hunt for a few books. But then as I was walking, I just went into this really long day-dreaming spree. I imagined such wonderful possible futures that I was grinning from cheek to cheek. By the time I snapped out of it, the euphoria of the what-if's had blanketed my restlessness. So I did not go out. I went back to work instead; at 8 p.m.

Aandhyion se jhagad rahi hai lau meri,
Ab mashalon si bad rahi hai lau meri,
Namon nishan rahe na rahe,
Ye karvaan rahe na rahe,
Ujaale main,
Pee gaya,
Roshan hua,
Jee gaya...

Have you ever felt like the world lies at your feet? I feel like that right now. An endless sea of oppurtunity beckons. Then why am I still moping about and not doing anything at all? What am I waiting for? Who am I waiting for?

Aur bhadke ga jo shola
sa hamare dil main hai.

Zindagi to apni mehman
maut ki mehfil main hai.

Door reh paaye jo hum se
dum kahan manzil main hai.

I also keep shuffling between extremes of perception these days. One moment the world is speaking to me, like I can smell the faintest of smells and see the smallest of sights. Everything - the cement on the walls, the tar on the road, the leaves, the sky, the computer screen, the chat window - is speaking to me. Another moment, I am so numb that I cannot hear the person sitting beside me. It is as though I am stuck in a limbo. Why is this happening?

I find that I cannot cry anymore. The tears just flatly refuse to flow. Why is that? Frozen? Dried up? I also feel this overwhelming helplessness. It's like somebody is calling out to me... Somebody, whose life depends on it. And in spite of all my trying and all my wanting, I cannot move from my place. It makes me so angry sometimes. And then it just dies within me. It has no other place to go.


It shall pass.
This shall pass.
A better life awaits.
A tomorrow free from all anguish,
from misery,
from sadness.
A tomorrow filled with love.
Believe me.
Trust me.
Glowing in simple beauty.
Past all this chaos.
I'll learn how to breathe again.
In memories.
Not yet, though.
Wait some more.
The past no more,
The present shall pass,
The future will come to be.
A point in time.
Singularity.
Forever, always.
Conflicts exist.
Inside.
Outside.
All around.
No compromise.
Not now.
Not ever.
Never again.
Ever again.
Again.
This shall never end.
This shall pass.
It too, shall pass.

3 comments:

  1. Rang de basanti seems to have had quite an effect on u...well at least the soundtrack did!

    Could really understand what ur feeling... I somehow feel relieved when I'm in such a position myself...

    Beautiful poem btw...

    Take care

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  2. I did not hear them well enough while watching the movie, but the soundtrack sure is great. Good to see you back.

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  3. I like (and understand all too well) how you describe the anguish of tears that won't flow.
    BTW, it's worth repeating that your poetry, of all types, has a cathartic effect on me.

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