Sunday, February 19, 2006

The darkness returns

It's a beautiful evening outside, light breeze and a setting sun. Dhoni just hit two consecutive sixes and beat the living daylights out of the opposition. Strains of an energetic "mohe tu rang de basanti" are saturating the air in my room. Everything is going right with the world. Everything is going wrong with me. Except perhaps that my capacity for suffering pain just keeps on increasing.

Much as I want to be happy, and smile, and be calm, and let it all go in peace, I cannot. I cannot write about anything else, not think of anything else and not see anything else. I am being consumed. By love. By anger. By a feeling of infinite helplessness.

With this constant burning, comes the dawning of the fact that I am no saint. I cannot push out everything that is negative, out of by blood just by wishing it. The undistilled rage is coming back. The frigid, sarcastic, lifeless cold is returning. It is evident, is it not, that the same intensity manifests in both the positive and the negative. Perhaps this is why I am not with anyone. I'll obviously end up ruining somebody else's life.

I wonder about those of you who read all this madness I keep spewing out here. When you see me beating myself up, wallowing in this pain, do you pity me? Do you think I am crazy? Will you refuse to recognize me if you bump into me on the street? Do I embarrass you? They say it's how the person acts when the going gets tough is how he really is inside. I'll tell you how I am inside right now. I am rotting, I am decadent. I am honest. I am brutally honest. I cannot live any other way.

Go. Go away. Run away so far that even my thought seems distant. Forget that I exist. I'll soon cease to anyway...

1 comment:

  1. I have ended up reading your article.. while searchign for good articles written about dhoni.

    I also feel just like you do.. but could never express myself. Only satisfaction of accomplishment makes me feel good and lets me a have a sound sleep.

    Just keep trying like Rahul Dravid.. and you will find a Dhoni in your journey.