A decision

Koi bhi teri, raah na dekhe
Nain bichaye na koi,
Dard se tere, koi na tadpa
Aankh kisi ki na roi,

Kahe kisko tu mera
Musafir jaayega kahan...


I was quietly sitting in my office, having finished whatever work I had yesterday night. I was quietly watching 15 Park Avenue. I missed the film at the cinema hall, so I was catching up.

I have become quite incapable of watching love stories any more. They have been sending my thinking circuits into overdrive. You might think that as silly - thinking triggered by mush? What next? I frankly do not know the answer to that question. So, here I was watching Mithi search in all earnest for her house at 15 Park Avenue, thinking (yeah ... that seems to be my only occupation these days) I am not living a much different life either. Living two lives, one where I am me as most of the world knows me, normal, calm and smiling. And another where I am me as... Never mind!

So here I lost in my own search in my (own?) head, when the boss decides to creep in from behind me and ask, "Can you come and fix... blah blah blah?" Well, I made him sit down and watch the remaining ten minutes of the movie. Then I went with him to fix whatever it was that was broken, because: one, he asked nicely, two, he is really a good guy, and three, after all he is the boss. Since this was around 10 a.m. today morning, and I had decided to catch up on breakfast after I finished the movie, and the fix took three hours, I was essentially starving at 1 p.m.

I had to pick up mom at 2 p.m. so there was no time for lunch. I had to walk for about 25 minutes to the bus stand. A brisk walk on an empty stomach can perhaps cause hallucinations. For me, however, it brought forth a revelation. It was crystal clear. The decision. About time I made one. The thing is I have been worrying myself to death (quite literally) about whatever is happening... to me. I am scared that I'll not pull through this, probably break down at some point, or turn permanently bitter. And somewhere at the end of this tunnel I know lies the possibility of living on alone, forever. But suddenly I knew today.

I'll never live a compromise. I have not done it in my professional life. I'll not do it in my personal. I now know how it feels, and if I never feel like this again, I am staying single for the rest of my life. If it means that I'll break rather than bend then so be it. Obviously I have not spelled it out to anybody yet. I know I'll have to, at some point, at least to my parents. I hope they will understand. I cannot change what others think or choose, but I can control what I choose. This is my choice. No compromise.