Saturday, March 18, 2006

Smiling back

I have to admit I have been thoroughly confused. I am not very clear about it even now, but I am beginning to see parts of the picture. In all my anguish, I wanted so badly to get my life back to normal that perhaps I took the most fashionable course of action available.

I wrote post after post on how hurt I felt, how disappointed I was. I knew He had that naughty smile on His face all this while. What I could not understand is why? It was as if I was getting it all inside out all the time. Consider the things I have tried in the past few months.

I tried being possessive. I wanted it all for myself. This leads to the obvious genesis of the green-eyed beast, so next I was jealous. When I managed to suppress the possessive streak, I replaced it by overpowering desire. Unchained desire led to obsession. Obsession, which wore me down. It was nothing short of a miracle that the machinery inside, ran non-stop for days on end without complain, until one day it finally burnt out. When the humdrum of evergreen life ceased suddenly, the silence proved conducive for the growth of hurt. In all this, disguised as the backbone of my existence has been a continuous effort to give up, to accept the inevitable. And all this while He has been smiling.

I went around with friends, watched movies, composed songs, tried ironing-out the wrinkles in my professional life (the irritating wrinkles persist!), read novels in Bangla, Spanish, English and Hindi, started learning Kannada, almost joined a dance class, went from praying every five seconds to not praying at all to back again. I thought all this will help me get over, to forget, help me to come to terms with my destiny. I even tried deciphering the lines on my hand in order to figure out my life. I challenged every thing I believed in. I scraped through two days full of nothing but bad news. I tried jumping, and I tried holding on. The eternal smile continued. For a short while, I distinctly felt some form of divine mockery plaguing me.

Ha! Guess what!

I have been looking at it all wrong all this while. The secret as I realize it now is not to give up and feel all lost and hurt and wronged. The secret is to hold on to it with everything in my heart. The only matter I have any say in, is perhaps what I do in my life. I cannot ask anything of anyone else. No. I do not have that right. So while the world can continue to live as it wishes, I'll hold on to what I feel has been my most true form. By holding on, I do not mean dropping anchor and stagnating at a place. I'll move, for that is the way of life. But I'll never forget. I'll not make an effort to forget. Nor will I accept the inevitable, for all time frames are relative.

I'll not turn cynical and I'll not be rude. I'll try in all earnestness not to cause any hurt to anybody. I'll just quietly go on believing in what I want to. I'll look up to the sky and smile right back!


  1. @cj: a bigger sigh and a bigger hug! :o)

  2. Its alway ok in the end...if its not ok..its not the end!

    walk on1 and keep smiling right back :)