Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Why am I not getting any?

DISCLAIMER : This stunt has been performed by highly trained personnel personally. I would like to strictly dissuade you from trying to replicate it, in part or in whole.

Having said that, let's get on with the business of writing this post. If the title has already not made it all too clear by now, then let me start by saying that this post is about sex (Did my blog TRP sky-rocket already ?!?) or rather the lack of it in my life. Yes, I admit it has come to this. The total lack of subjects to write has forced my hand into talking about the dismal state of my yet-to-begin sex life.

Did I just do that? Shoot my self in the foot, I mean. Perhaps, it is equally suicidal to admit the virginity of my twenty-something sexual self. I could always take the stand that I refuse to accept the dictates of a gender-warped world where a virgin woman is a good woman and a virgin man is a good-for-nothing man. Or perhaps I could say that I have been deliberately rebelling against my debauched peers by walking a morally higher ground. I could also say I have not met the right girl or that I've been saving myself (it's okay dear - you can laugh out loud). But in spite and despite all that, the truth remains that I am still untouched by female (I'll stick to being heterosexual for the purpose of simplicity) hands/feet/mouths and what not, for the most part. This is an effort to take stock of the situation, and perhaps, determine whether the diagnosis is fatal in deciding the fate of my sex life.

First let's see the physicality of the situation. It rests thus. I am well rounded, so my six packs are well hidden from normal view. The hair on my head seems to have taken a fancy for the ground and keeps eloping to meet its fiance. Other than these few points of note, I have no other feature which distinguish my appearance from other commonly, uncommon men.

Then comes the question of skills I suppose. Let's see now. I can probably prove that the square root of 2 is irrational. I can also make sense of Neruda in his language, and perhaps write better than monkeys-armed-with-pens in a couple of more. Other trifling things may include cooking a mean packet of instant noodles, a fetish for chocolate and ice-creams, and giving my immediate surroundings a make-over when the cleaning-fit seizes me. None of these, as far as I can comprehend, venture anywhere near the boundaries of lust. To further abet my crashing stock in Wall Street (or should I say Sensex?), I am, most certainly, shy. I also have a wrapped-maybe-but-very-strong sense of right, which keeps my libido in check at times when doing the wrong thing would have probably corrected the said anomaly. I am almost certain that I would faint of shock if a woman approached me with an "indecent proposal" (with due fan-ly respect to Demi Moore). But since the infinitesimally minute probability of such an event from coming to pass is practically non-existent I guess I am not passing-out any time soon. I cannot, for the life of me, separate out being intimate from being into somebody, so I guess one-night-stands are not my cuppa tea. Also, I cannot share the after-sex smoke in the bed (This is what comes of watching marathon runs of Sex in the City on HBO), because I am genetically prone to hating smoke (nothing personal).

So, I am not anatomically perfect and I am not smooth. Ah, but there is still more left to say. I am also lazy and narcissistic. I can pursue a woman only so much. If she says she's too busy to meet me five times in a row and then doesn't ever call back when given the option of call-me-when-you-are-free, then I have neither the energy nor the inclination to pursue such a ruse. My interpretation is simply that since I am not wanted, I'd rather go and watch Madagascar again. Call it the couch-potato syndrome but the couch does attract a lot of my attention, even if I always get to lie on it alone.

Though I doubt that adding "Desperate" before my name would spawn a popular sitcom, and that I could make my theatrical debut in a monologue on/by the male organ, I am quite sure of one thing. I don't have a clue about what I have been writing for the past hour. I am a strong believer of the natural selection paradigm, and since the urge to procreate is encoded into my chromosomes, I suppose I have to find a way to advance my species. Bother!

Notice, however, that I have not mentioned the "M" word anywhere. Obviously, men are not supposed to. For when being ruled by animalistic instincts, we are programmed into not thinking with our heads. So while you haggle over the price of that carton of rotten tomatoes you want to throw at me, I might as well go and help myself.


  1. I hope u dont plan to put all that in a matrimonial ad! Honesty's dont b too honest! ;)

  2. thanks for dropping by. i liked ur post at first glance but i must confess,didnt read it thru as was in a rush. adding you to my feed reader and i'll come back to read it asap!

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  4. lol! shave your head! it'll look cool then!

  5. * rubs her hands together in glee*

    alright now....what shall we name youre new show!!?

    Desperate First Rain
    Desparate First Drop(s)
    SEX in the Rain
    First Sex
    First SEXY Rain

    SEX SEX SEX and not a person to Do me

    *runs away before FR can broom her*

    waddaya mean no female has touched you!!! GASP!

    ooooh i can TELL youll be great in bed!you already love chocolate.. thats a GREAT aphrodisiac

    *Runs away again*

  6. this has to be one of the funniest posts i've ever read :D and remember, women love a sense of humour - in bed and out ;)

  7. "the urge to procreate is encoded in my chromosomes" and "I have not mentioned the 'M' word anywhere... I read this rather quickly so I don't think you mean "married..." so if you mean the other "M" word, that is healthy and normal not the root of blindness, hairy palms, or whatnot.

    Someone beat me to it (pardon the pun...!) about humour being a wonderful trait! :)

    It took me several more months but I did put up a sensually euphemistic poem on my site... this one doesn't even mention chocolate! (What is wrong with me?)I think there was a different version...

    Seriously, I repect that you are not into "one night" stands and have been a gentlemen. So was my husband. Your time will come and I mean that in the most sincere and polite way.

  8. @mirage: Lollz... but I'd give more credit to a woman's intuition, even when not told through an advertisement.

    @prerona: Be back soon :)

    @sonia: Considering the rate at which things are happening I won't have to lift a finger to get the "cleaned-out" look! :P

    @grafx: Those names - naah! You'r making me feel like Austin Powers now! :O As for the female touching - I said "for the most part" so... ;o) Oh n I lurrrve chocolate, so thanks for the vote of confidence.

    @cactus: *Hugs* :)

    @silver: Lollz... I did mean "M"arriage! I am not much bothered by the hairy palms I assure you (subtle tip - read the last line of the post :D ). Thank you for the compliment, and I'll do something about the colors sometime soon.

  9. dude, its ironic that you end a post titled 'why am i not getting any' with 'i might as well go and help myself.'

  10. @nish: I had a lot of stuff on my mind when I wrote this - I am not sure irony was one of them - but then one man's irony may be another's attempt at seeming drunk!

  11. @nish: Well to be honest I don't either. I mean I sometimes become too obscure even for myself, so that's ok. All I wanted to say was that I did not intend for it to be ironical. And that words, once put down, take a life of their own, and seem different things to different people. That's all! And don't take the drunk part too seriously - I know nothing about being drunk :) Golly! You seem to drive people into writing loong comments - on your blog and their own! :P

  12. you mean i tend to get people to think.

    GOLLY?! dude, who talks like that.

  13. @nish: I think you get people to think? Hmmmm ... maybe you do. Good for you, and for the thinkers! I am not much of thinker anyway. And, I was never one for popular talk - so, as long as the sky does not fall on my head - Golly!

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  15. g8 blog n i kinda laughed on this post. im not the nishu from whom u recieved a comment earlier

  16. @nishu: Hi n welcome to the blog. Nice to have you here.

  17. FR, you dropping a lot of hints!!!! This is turning out to be a nice li'l call to all eligible women outta there to make it quick, lest that you should be 'taken'!!!! Hee hee heee, rather frank and honest post. I liked it. To give my opinion (something I normally hate doing in comments) I certainly do not think you are desperate.

  18. @anwesha: Now, now you must not spill all the beans. :P And your opinion is most appreciated.

  19. Lovely.

    I don't know what you are complaining about...since you seem to be perfectly content with your life.

    There were plenty of famous asexual bachelors - Charles Dodson (Lewis Carroll - he only liked little girls) and um... Lord Baden Powell (yes, I know he was married, but he preached the doctrine of asexuality) - all that brilliance put towards another purpose...think of the book you could write. could spout Neruda huskily into the ears of some sexy Spanish signorita.

  20. This led me to go check your age in your profile. (How ageist of me!)

    The 'm-word'...metrosexual? Hmmm.

    The last line had me in splits!