Sunday, July 24, 2005

Battering me

What does one do when one feels horrible about oneself? In spite of knowing that the feeling is completely irrational. Today I felt a lot of things. Well I do all the time, but today since I didn't do anything else all day and was all alone at home, the mind went on an overdrive. I have a tendency to amplify by many times whatever I feel. It is good sometimes, but mostly it's like white noise - it cancels out and submerges everything else around me. It's like I am unable to feel anything with half a heart. I thought for once I'd try and construct a concise map of my head from morning, and see if it made any more sense that way. So here goes:

1. Inconsequential - I was the puniest, most inconsequential being on the whole planet. It will not make any difference to anybody if I suddenly disappear from the face of the earth.

2. Angry - God forbid that anybody should come in front of me when I am angry. If you think I have any skill at expressing my mind, it is not a good idea to be at the receiving end of my tongue on such occasions.

3. Ashamed - I usually beat me self up after I lash out at somebody. I didn't today - I mean lash out. Still I was ashamed of myself for getting angry.

4. Selfish - Well this one was pretty obvious. I felt so totally selfish. Like I was only and only thinking about myself in all this.

5. Undeserving - I do not deserve to be loved. Well actually, I felt that I'd love so much, I'd probably smother the life out of the poor girl. Hence, probably any poor girl is better off without me.

6. Bored - My life has been suspended between work and home. No time for "me" in all this. So once all the mad rush of thoughts drain themselves out, I invariably feel bored.

7. Alone & Afraid - These two go hand in hand, don't they?

8. Exhausted - Five days of mayhem and then this. I was feeling like life had been sapped out of me. I so wish there was a "Off" switch on my head - so I could stop thinking for a while. Constant thinking is so exhausting.

9. Sleepy - It had to happen. So I bumped off for a few hours. I cannot remember many of my dreams these days. Wonder if I am having any.

10. Calm - Sleep is therapeutic. Calm is transient. I'll think about it tomorrow. After all... tomorrow is another day.


  1. realisation is the first step...

  2. 1. If you're feeling inconsequential think of what an ant must feel like!

    2. The best thing to do when you're angry is stand in front of the mirror and lash out at ur own reflection!

    3. If u do 2. you won't feel ashamed!

    4. Living for yourself isnt selfishness, its survival!

    5. You want to deprive us girls of all that love??! ;)

    6. Ha! You don't knw what bored is. I mean I define boredom... boredom is me!!

    7. Who isn't alone and afraid!?

    8. Go to sleep then!

    9. Repeat 8.

    10. Thts not so bad! :)

  3. alright now.. take this mug of hot chocolate and lets go watch a movie or something... STOP IT!! dont do this .... *drags Fr away by the toe *

  4. @pixel8: It is, isn't it. Wonder what is the next step?

    @mirage: Ahem! On Pt.5 : Be careful of what you wish for. :P

    @grafx: Wahhhh... She's scolding me! :(( Me wants chocolate ice cweam too !! *Tugging hard to free my toes*

  5. ok ok fine you can have mine.. am too sleepy and its dripping all over me,....groannn..mondayyy..

  6. Sometimes i think what an ET being would feel looking at us on earth squabbling over borders, securing property, doing the same routing stuff daily... whether we do it or not, things will go on the same for her, wont change much for the general scheme of things in the cosmos. But, we are significant enough for ourselves...
    Once, there was a man throwing starfish washed ashore back into the ocean. It looked futile; he was saving so few. But when asked, while conceeding the trifling nature of it all for us, he pointed out how much i tmeant to the one he just lunged back. It just won back its life!!!

  7. Hi. Thanks for mail. Hope you're better :-)

  8. Rahul!! i KNOW that story!!! *looks delightedly*.. now... do i know you?...

  9. @grafx: Monday... yuck! :(

    @rahul: Yes.. it all changes with the point of view. The starfish story appears in many forms. Here is one I read.

    The Difference He Made - By Randy Poole

    Amidst the morning mist of the swift returning tide
    I set out on my daily run, my walkman on my side.
    Lost within my private world apart from cares and woes
    I ran along the moistened shore, the sand between my toes.

    In the distance, I saw a boy, as busy as can be.
    He was running, stooping, picking up, and tossing in the sea.
    Just what he threw, I couldn't tell, I looked as I drew near.
    It seemed to be a rock or shell - as I approached him I could hear:

    "Back you go, where you belong. Your safe now hurry home.
    Your family's waiting for you little starfish, hurry on!"
    It seemed the evening tide had washed the starfish on the shore,
    And the swift receding water left a thousand there or more.

    And this self-appointed savior, was trying one-by-one
    To toss them back into the sea, against the racing sun.
    I saw his plight was hopeless, that most of them would die.
    I called out from my private world, "Hey Kid, why even try?"

    "Must be at least a thousand here, strewn along the beach,
    And even if you had the time, most you'll never reach.
    You really think it makes a difference, to waste your time this way?"
    And then I paused and waited, just to hear what he would say.

    He stooped and took another, and looked me in the eye.
    "It makes a difference to this one sir, this starfish will not die!"
    With that, he tossed the little life, back where there was hope.
    He stooped to take another. I could tell this was no joke.

    The words that he spoke to me cut like a surgeon's knife.
    Where I saw only numbers, he saw only life.
    He didn't see the multitude of starfish on the sand.
    He only saw the little life he held there in his hand.

    He didn't stop to argue, to prove that he was right.
    He just kept tossing starfish in the sea with all his might.
    So I too stooped, and I picked up, and I tossed into the sea,
    And I thought, just what a difference, that this boy has made in me.

    @mangs: Hi! I am glad you visited. Yep ... me is much better now. :)

    @grafx: You'd better know him! I found him from your blog :P

  10. Yep! That's the full story and was revealed to me as part of a vision building exercise during an orientation session in my first job. My bloggress has been through shrutz's blog to vig's blog to grafx's and then to you...

  11. well grafx,
    I dunno about that but you write so much so candidly i sure know some 'bout you!!!