Sunday, January 29, 2006

Veiled insanity

The past week has been a blur. I am still stuck in a time warp. Afraid that if I move a muscle my soap bubble will burst. Yet and in spite of me, the world continues on its own. It's most surprising really (and annoying) how the world around me manages to get back to being itself. People, who one thought would be forever the same, being the most transient of the lot. I, for instance, have never been so afraid before.

When the world shrinks into a two room apartment and all time squeezes into one afternoon, the mind thinks of things one would have usually thought over a lifetime, over one weekend. I, in my supreme naivete always believed that to love was the easiest thing to do, and that one only needed another one to love one back. I thought that was pretty much all it needed. I guess I must have invited the spite of someone up there, for He seems to have looked down, smiled and made sure I got the full import of the four letter word.

He's made me see love in all forms over the past few days. Earlier I could stand in front of a idol of Krishna for hours, and not do of anything. Not pray for anybody, not ask for anything and not think of anything at all. I could just shut my mind off. It felt like I did not need my mind anymore. And all this time I was never overtly concerned with religion. It was there, as some part of my life and that was just it. I was not an atheist and yet I had never analyzed what I believed. I was firmly placed within the bounds of logic and reason. Somehow, mathematics seemed a safer bet. Then, She happened!

And She brought with her beliefs, questions and faith, so strong and so pure in their innocence, that I was swept off my feet. She forced me to think about what I believed in, and all this while He smiled. For He knew the answers I would find. He knew that I would see His love for all life, equal and pure. He showed me that He is the same for all those who seek Him out. He showed it to me on the same journey I undertook to seek Her. And yet He knew, the very answers I'll find, will take me away from Her. He gave me the capacity and the reason for infinite love, and then He took the reason away. And now I cannot stop loving. Now I know why I always felt I should have stayed with mathematics.

What becomes of all this I have no clue. I am beginning to get more and more convinced that left to myself, I'll probably go mad. I like my work too much to compromise on what I do. To do it really well I have to move on, and I cannot move on unless I cut myself away. He seems to have distanced himself for the moment, for He's not offering me any answers. I have always somehow thought that another hand would hold mine when I step out into the world. Since I do not have that hand as my anchor, I am quite sure that if I let go and let my work take over my life, I'll not stop till I burn out.

Perhaps, I'll find some peace in the flames.


  1. dont ever think for one moment that you will find peace in the flames....dont ever think for one moment that this happened to you as a punishement because things didnt work out as you wanted it just goes to show how much you have it in you to love.

    sniff.. oh and you made me cry.

  2. *Now I know why I always felt I should have stayed with mathematics.
    *smile* you think so? if you cud turn back time, would you have it any other way?

  3. @grafx: I did not intend to make anybody cry... least of all you. But it seems things are taking little note of my intentions these days.

    I can't help my thinking though... it just takes its own course. But I'll try and keep it more to myself from now on.

  4. @sonia: *smile* You got me there! No, I would not have it any other way. Not ever. I do not regret what I did.

  5. Hi 1st Rain,
    So often, when I read of deep sadness, disappointment, disillusionment, confusion, etc. I wish there was some way I could comfort the writer. You're not responsible for our feelings as we read your words.

    It is not healthy to keep them inside, so let them flow. Oh, how I know this. Otherwise you'd never have heard the poem I wrote over a year ago. (My eyes lit up that you *did* come by! Thank you!)

    I posted that poem on another blog a year ago but reading it to strangers was helpful and more healing than I thought it would be.

    That is on a blog that is more an "everyday blog", instead of a place for my writing and art.

    This is your place, first and foremost. I remember and mentally thank the readers who emphatically reminded of that fact above. Tears also fell from my eyes for your pain.

    Love is not concretely simple. Yet, it often can seem that way. I'm so glad you do not regret. One needs to be courageous enough to experience change. Love will come into your life again, in time. it's that waiting that often feels beyond difficult.